In Death, we know Life.

Labels: death, thought

These are re-posts from my other blog...posted here solely for consolidation.

Re-post from July 30th, 2009

This Past Year...

What I Let Go of This Past Year:

My health.
Most of my comfort zones.
My figure.
Getting up early every morning.
A clean room.
Pants that fit right.
Some of the people I thought would always be there.
Sleeping on a regular schedule.
Having multiple jobs and a 32-credit class schedule.
Reading books that require an attention span.
Doing almost anything that requires an attention span.
Spontaneity and some of my independence.
Living beyond this moment.

What I Found This Past Year:

Lung Cancer and paraneoplastic neurological syndrome.
Open eyes and heart.
The benefits of patience.
An amazing medical team.
Surprises in my Kleenex.
That there is always a reason to smile somewhere.
Compazine to compensate for Vincristine and Revimmune.
Reiki.
Love and care from my family; if you're still in my life at this point, you're family.
Ginger. Ginger snaps, ginger tea, ginger cubes; I will take it all.
New ways to trust.
Precious times with my sisters (you know who you are).
The most amazing friends in the world.

Re-post from July 30, 2009

Thoughts on this past year...

Yesterday, I found out that one of my dearest “battle buddies” has retired her armor. “No more popsicles, no more pain days”. Janie is now in remission from lung cancer, and I couldn’t be happier for her. In a conversation with her, one that at first felt like any other of the numerous we have shared, I realized it’s been a year. She told me how brave I've become, and how strong, and I suppose I might be. I haven’t seen my past year as she has; have I really changed so much? I find it funny that she thinks of me exactly how I think of her…it astounds me that we can see great strength in others, but not in ourselves. I’ve been thinking so much lately, and the following is just thought expressed… feel free to read if you want, and share your thoughts…but please don’t judge.

A little over a year ago I learned that I had cancer. This is the point when my life changed, and I became a new Madrina, with the old Madrina by her side, but new nonetheless. Because I try to be pretty good-natured in general I think I’ve been able to think positively for most of this year. I haven’t been depressed. I’ve been afraid -- I still am, a little -- and I’ve been worn out, but I haven’t fallen too far into the black pit, never so far that I couldn’t haul myself out, or have someone there dragging me out.

I could make lists of what I’ve been through, and what I’ve learned. I could go over every awful event and milestone, one by one. But when I look back at the whole year, I see my strength and power, along with the strength and power of friends, and an open mind and heart it took to temper all the hard things. That’s what I’ve learned – that my friends, my openness and willingness, and my choice to see the experience as powerful, have really made a difference in my recovery. I took on some very big things, and here I am writing about it.

So I guess cancer is my friend, my very dark friend. It’s given me many gifts, even as it has taken so much from me. Though I don't want it in my life, I’ve come to depend on it, in a strange way. It's been the reason for so many things, for this entire year of things. It's caused me to have a new life, a new normal, a new reality. The new reality includes cancer. Whether it’s here or its gone -- doesn’t matter. Its part of me, and it changed everything.

A year or so ago, when I was diagnosed, and I was about to have surgery, I didn’t yet know what it meant to have cancer. It was big, but it didn’t have a shape yet. The fear that I felt made me do things like become efficient; set my house in order, and buy hospital-appropriate panties. I was determined to be prepared for anything. Later, as time passed and I needed more treatment, cancer settled into my life to stay. I began to understand it, and then accept it. That’s when it became my dark friend, I suppose.

With my latest round of “laser tag” complete, and a month or so break before I begin again, it has finally occurred to me that I am in dire need of a break from my life. Just a small one will do for now. My world has been constrained since last year, confined to a little corner. I feel I spend all my time tending to the necessary concerns of my health and my spirit, which is as it needs to be. This is my chance to break free for a little while, and it comes at a time when I have some energy and I'm experiencing relatively few side effects. The greatest “break” in all of this has always been found in the company of close friends; it is with you that I forget, if only for a few moments, how fragile this life is. The simple hugs and smiles, the nights playing pool, sitting on couches and sharing stories, these moments mean the world to me…I love you all so much.

I’m not sure what the next year will bring. I hope it will bring more joy, and peace of mind, and less time spent worrying about cancer. I hope I’ll keep all the best things I found in myself safe and sound. I hope my bags won’t be burdensome, because until I really believe that I’m not in danger, I can’t put them down.

Thank you all for making this strange, powerful journey with me. You're wise and wonderful, every single one of you.

Labels: change, consolidation, random, sharing, thought

At what point did I begin to lose myself?

Was it a solitary moment, a specific event? Or a culmination of smaller events?

At what point did I become part of a "we"?

How did our souls become so convoluted together?

At what point did I let you in, so deep into my soul?

I was sure I was secure in every defense; how did you get in so easily?

At what point did I realize I couldn't live without you?

How soon after that point were you gone?

Labels: change, death, life, love, random, thought

The afternoon is so quiet and deep, it seems almost to ring and chime, a cold, struck bell. There is an inaudible roaring, a rush, beneath the surface of things, beneath the surface of Wally, who is now almost no surface, as if I could see into him, into that great hurrying current, that energy, that forward motion which is life going on. I was never this close to anyone in my life. His living so deep, and absolute, that it pulls me close to that interior current, so far inside his life, and my own. I know I am going to be more afraid than I have ever been, but right now I am not afraid. I am face to face with the deepest movement in the world, the point of my love’s deepest reality, where he is most himself, even if that self empties out, into no one, swift river hurrying into the tumble of rivers, out of individuality, into the great rushing whirlwind of currents. God, moving on the face of the waters…. I know it’s time. I say to Wally, while the breath comes more shallowly, “All the love in the world goes with you”. Each breath he draws in goes a little less further into his body, so easily. He never struggles; there is no sense of difficulty, no sense of holding on… I say, “You go easy, babe. Go Free”. The world seemed in absolute suspension, nothing moving anywhere, everything centered. Go easy. But you go.

Labels: death, life, love, philosophy, quotes, thought, wisdom

Labels: life, philosophy, quotes, thought, wisdom

morrissey released an AMAZINGLY eloquent statement over
the sudden & unexpected death of his longtime fan, melinda hsu,
who passed away on april 12th.
even if you are not a fan of morrissey (you heathens)...
this is a pretty incredible tribute to her, and to the folks like her,
who spend so much of themselves on the artists they love.
take a second to read it.

-Mad Rain

Statement from Morrissey
30 April 2010

My trusted ally Janice Long has passed news on to me of the sudden death of Melinda Hsu. I did not know Melinda personally, but I felt as if I did because she had been a front row fixture for many years. In fact, from her many letters and gifts I understood her name to be Mel Torment, or even, when she felt at her most pernickety, Smel - which I'm certain was not her given name. Mel was a smiling face who lent strength to every single concert, even when events were going somewhat pear-shaped. I felt as if I knew Mel because she was always there - regardless of wherever 'there' happened to be; no snowbound landscape too far, no off-the-beaten track too untrekkable. I often handed her the microphone mid-concert and she would always make an effort to say something different each time. What is more, she always seemed so happy to be there on the front row, even though she had heard these live renditions enough times to emaciate the brain of the most inherently decent devotee. However, she was booed by the audience once - in Killarney, when she asked (via microphone) with a tone of disbelief "why Killarney?" but I don't think she meant the contorted snootiness assessed by the rest of the audience because she was not that type.
Those who travel from concert to concert as Mel did possibly don't realize the contribution they make. They are as much a part of the night as I am, but I sometimes feel embarrassed because I think they are asking for more than there is, and, mustily, I can't give it. The goat-like vocals and the tipsy monologues are all that I am.
Mel had passed a note to me at Pomona saying that it would be her final concert of the tour. Yet, hours later, in another venue, there she was again. Even after all she had done, even after all the money she had spent and the millions of miles she had hiked she still could not keep away from the squeeze and bend of yet another version of "First of the gang to die" - never imagining, I'm sure, that it is she who would be the first. As ever delighted and content at Ventura (where we gave our final bow), I cannot imagine whatever it was that Mel believed she saw or felt as she fixed upon the stage night after night, year after year.
Her contribution was a declaration of love for which she seemed to save all of her strength, and for which I could only ever repay with half-witted mumbles of thanks.

The only way to deal with Mel's death is to accept it. There is no other way. We all have a certain unbreakable appointment and we are all helpless targets in that regard. Life's only promise is its final deadline. When Mel, and others who are dear to us, depart, we should at least realize as we shuffle along living our small and persecuted lives, how absolutely ridiculous it is to be afraid of anything or anyone on this unhappy planet. Most people are standardized and unoriginal, which is useful, because it makes the Mels of the world stand out even more. Rich in ideas, her self-made calendars and t-shirts were always very funny. You will catch up with her in the afterlife, where I'm sure she will be as creative and busy and as Mel Torment as ever.

Thank you to Julia at True-to-you for printing this.

MORRISSEY
France, april 2010

Labels: death, life, music, quotes, thought, wisdom

Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.

And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.

And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then you shall truly dance….

For what is it to die, but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun….

And what is it to cease breathing,
but to free the breath, from its restless tides,
that it may rise,
and expand,
and seek God
unencumbered.

~~ Kahlil Gibran ~~

All the love in the world goes with you. You go easy, babe.

Labels: change, Charly, death, life, philosophy, quotes, thought, wisdom

Fall:

Labels: definition, falling, love, random, thought

Save the Words is an online Ouija board that brings dead nouns, verbs, and adjectives to life. Each of the words you'll find here was once a living, breathing part of our language. Being a lexiphanic, and at times having been referred to as callipygious, I love this site.

The Reasons I am Sick, and Soon to Die. An amusing little read.

Idle Monsters who want so desperately to be loved and accepted. I love Jimbo...

Questionable Content; one of many webcomics I love, this one in particular for the music references....and for the AnthroPC's. :)

smART History; self-explanatory, highly addicting...

So much to do....I will sleep when I'm dead....

Labels: amusement, boredom, random, thought

They say we only use 10% of our brain. Everyone knows that. But how much of our heart do we use? With what percentage do we love? What amount do we feel? are we capable of more than 10%?? i am beginning to doubt...

Labels: love, random, thought