At what point did I begin to lose myself?

Was it a solitary moment, a specific event? Or a culmination of smaller events?

At what point did I become part of a "we"?

How did our souls become so convoluted together?

At what point did I let you in, so deep into my soul?

I was sure I was secure in every defense; how did you get in so easily?

At what point did I realize I couldn't live without you?

How soon after that point were you gone?

Labels: change, death, life, love, random, thought

The afternoon is so quiet and deep, it seems almost to ring and chime, a cold, struck bell. There is an inaudible roaring, a rush, beneath the surface of things, beneath the surface of Wally, who is now almost no surface, as if I could see into him, into that great hurrying current, that energy, that forward motion which is life going on. I was never this close to anyone in my life. His living so deep, and absolute, that it pulls me close to that interior current, so far inside his life, and my own. I know I am going to be more afraid than I have ever been, but right now I am not afraid. I am face to face with the deepest movement in the world, the point of my love’s deepest reality, where he is most himself, even if that self empties out, into no one, swift river hurrying into the tumble of rivers, out of individuality, into the great rushing whirlwind of currents. God, moving on the face of the waters…. I know it’s time. I say to Wally, while the breath comes more shallowly, “All the love in the world goes with you”. Each breath he draws in goes a little less further into his body, so easily. He never struggles; there is no sense of difficulty, no sense of holding on… I say, “You go easy, babe. Go Free”. The world seemed in absolute suspension, nothing moving anywhere, everything centered. Go easy. But you go.

Labels: death, life, love, philosophy, quotes, thought, wisdom

Labels: life, philosophy, quotes, thought, wisdom

Ryno-Today is your birthday. Right now, I would give anything to go dinosaur-towelled cupcaking with you!! "Yes, yes you can major in friendships." I miss our talks, your random happy texts, your smile, your hugs. RAT-A-TAT-TAT, RAT-A,RAT-A-TAT-TAT! You come back to me daily...a thought, a smile, a bittersweet reminder...so many little memories...your light touched every shadow of my life. You gave me strength, hope, and an endless supply of happiness. I would not have gotten through last summer without you. Your encouraging words and unwavering faith served as a courageous example of the kind of friend I want to be. Watchmen and Rubio's will always be "ours for the taking". :)

Happy Birthday, Ryno. I love you...

Labels: death, life, Ryan

morrissey released an AMAZINGLY eloquent statement over
the sudden & unexpected death of his longtime fan, melinda hsu,
who passed away on april 12th.
even if you are not a fan of morrissey (you heathens)...
this is a pretty incredible tribute to her, and to the folks like her,
who spend so much of themselves on the artists they love.
take a second to read it.

-Mad Rain

Statement from Morrissey
30 April 2010

My trusted ally Janice Long has passed news on to me of the sudden death of Melinda Hsu. I did not know Melinda personally, but I felt as if I did because she had been a front row fixture for many years. In fact, from her many letters and gifts I understood her name to be Mel Torment, or even, when she felt at her most pernickety, Smel - which I'm certain was not her given name. Mel was a smiling face who lent strength to every single concert, even when events were going somewhat pear-shaped. I felt as if I knew Mel because she was always there - regardless of wherever 'there' happened to be; no snowbound landscape too far, no off-the-beaten track too untrekkable. I often handed her the microphone mid-concert and she would always make an effort to say something different each time. What is more, she always seemed so happy to be there on the front row, even though she had heard these live renditions enough times to emaciate the brain of the most inherently decent devotee. However, she was booed by the audience once - in Killarney, when she asked (via microphone) with a tone of disbelief "why Killarney?" but I don't think she meant the contorted snootiness assessed by the rest of the audience because she was not that type.
Those who travel from concert to concert as Mel did possibly don't realize the contribution they make. They are as much a part of the night as I am, but I sometimes feel embarrassed because I think they are asking for more than there is, and, mustily, I can't give it. The goat-like vocals and the tipsy monologues are all that I am.
Mel had passed a note to me at Pomona saying that it would be her final concert of the tour. Yet, hours later, in another venue, there she was again. Even after all she had done, even after all the money she had spent and the millions of miles she had hiked she still could not keep away from the squeeze and bend of yet another version of "First of the gang to die" - never imagining, I'm sure, that it is she who would be the first. As ever delighted and content at Ventura (where we gave our final bow), I cannot imagine whatever it was that Mel believed she saw or felt as she fixed upon the stage night after night, year after year.
Her contribution was a declaration of love for which she seemed to save all of her strength, and for which I could only ever repay with half-witted mumbles of thanks.

The only way to deal with Mel's death is to accept it. There is no other way. We all have a certain unbreakable appointment and we are all helpless targets in that regard. Life's only promise is its final deadline. When Mel, and others who are dear to us, depart, we should at least realize as we shuffle along living our small and persecuted lives, how absolutely ridiculous it is to be afraid of anything or anyone on this unhappy planet. Most people are standardized and unoriginal, which is useful, because it makes the Mels of the world stand out even more. Rich in ideas, her self-made calendars and t-shirts were always very funny. You will catch up with her in the afterlife, where I'm sure she will be as creative and busy and as Mel Torment as ever.

Thank you to Julia at True-to-you for printing this.

MORRISSEY
France, april 2010

Labels: death, life, music, quotes, thought, wisdom

Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.

And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.

And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then you shall truly dance….

For what is it to die, but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun….

And what is it to cease breathing,
but to free the breath, from its restless tides,
that it may rise,
and expand,
and seek God
unencumbered.

~~ Kahlil Gibran ~~

All the love in the world goes with you. You go easy, babe.

Labels: change, Charly, death, life, philosophy, quotes, thought, wisdom

Last night, I had a very personal conversation with a very dear friend. As always, her words were a source of comfort, encouragement, and strength. She made me realize that I need to make the most of my time, here and now, while I'm still alive. There are so many aspects of my life, so many secrets that I don't share, and I realized now that I have no reason not to. What good does it do anyone if the things that people love about me are gone as soon as I am? I'm not talking of the major things, I'm speaking of the little things...some of the art techniques that I've developed, how to make the perfect cup of coffee, and yes, even my recipes. My "infamous" lasagna, Stacy's dream soup, all the things that up until this point have been "things I will take to my grave"...I see no point in doing that any longer. I say all this to to say this; on this blog, I will start sharing. Little things of no consequence, recipes and memories. So I hope you read and enjoy. :)

Labels: change, life, sharing